I haven’t been writing for a few weeks, my sincerest apologies. It feels like a season ago that I started writing this, I had to delete a whole three paragraphs and rewrite the bulk of it. I came home from a few days in Paris and the headline took on a different meaning.

I haven’t been writing, because I’ve been finding it unusually easy to stay present and when you’re present, your brain doesn’t go down the dark hallways of old mental photographs and coulda-wouldas. Worrying requires effort that I don’t have the energy for lately because, well, I feel happy. Priorities are in order. Neurotic tendencies are still alive and well but they’re becoming cute little friends of mine and to know me is to love them too. 

I woke up to that annoying green ring around my Alexa dot. That dumb green light is the equiavalent to emails you delete without reading. Alexa can be such a needy bitch- she texts, sends a push notification and then has the audacity to light up a disruptive green ring to tell me the same thing three times. My probiotics and Yorkshire Gold arrived an hour ago, I KNOWWW. Calm your tits, Alexa. Today, she was checking in about something I bought a month ago, as if I’m fully coherent every time I open my Amazon app and spend money in record time. Let’s not be naive. 

“Alexa, read my notifications.”

“Last month, you bought _____, how many stars would you give this?”

And then I tell her and she says “thanks, your rating will help others make better choices.” OH really? I’m so glad my decisions will help others make better choices. It would be nice if someone else’s decisions could help me make better choices. I mean, I guess they do when I’m comparing adult gummy vitamins. My obsession with decision making never gets less exhausting out of some fear that I’ll choose wrong. 

Alas, Alexa isn’t advanced enough to make better choices for me so I have to make my own. Some of these decisions and habits have paralized me and some have always felt like a natural part of my character development. In decision making, I’ve learned more about my fear of letting go than I ever cared to. For all the nights I lost sleep over red pill or blue pill, this or that- I picked right because the wrong choice is an entirely made up worst-case scenario that needs to exist for the sake of my need to be right, even when it’s a petty war between me and myself. And then there are the easy decisions that take a half second of thought and instantly feel amazing because it’s the obvious choice and I’m an idiot for ever thinking twice about it.


Better choices to make: 

Stop to pet all the dogs- This sounds like something on a t-shirt that exists somewhere in a Target clearance section. Before I had Leo, puppy eyes always got me and when I’m walking down the street without him, no matter the hurry I’m in, I see clumsy paws, unconditional love and I’m a goner. In a city where everyone is in a hurry, 8/10 times when I stop, something lovely and unexpected comes from it- from a half second decision to slow down. I stopped to pet a dog a few weeks ago, made a few friends, those friends had a friend, and just like that (Carrie Bradshaw Voice Over), your girl found something unexpected and really wonderful, but I’m not spilling the tea on that one just yet.

Keep some things just for you- I’ve been posting less to social media, not updating my Instagram every hour with what my dog is doing or what I’m eating. And I’ve been keeping my phone out of sight and out of mind more. Not every moment is for the world to scroll past mindlessly. I hate that I’m a “content creator”- barf and eye roll all at the same time, but it’s where I share my writing and my photography and little snippets of my heart. For those that actually make a living from social media, there’s this constant itch of to-post-or-not-to-post. Those good parts are mostly important to you, no one else is eagerly on the edge of their seat waiting for them, so keep some for yourself. 

Talk to your anxiety- Like a crazy person, I have whole-ass conversations with my anxiety. It reminds me of being in grade school and being asked to “show my work.” Like, if you have this dumb irrational thought, cool, but let’s go backwards and figure out how the hell you got there. Walk me through every step of your delusional decision making process and then we can kick it over to the judges to decide if you’re crazy or just having one of your “moments”. There’s a great sigh of relief that comes from feeling heard and understood and years of therapy has taught me to give that understanding and compassion to myself before I can ask that of someone else. So my anxiety and I, we’re BFF’s. We don’t hang as regularly as we used to but we still shoot the shit here and there and maybe celebrate with a generous pour of something expensive.

Hold gratitude for the things that break- Hurricane Ida passed through New York a few weeks ago, I had to carry Leo out to pee like I was carrying a goat to safety. The next morning, all the usual coffee stops had flooded kitchens. We walked around for close to an hour until there was a functioning espresso machine and breakfast sandwich within walking distance. The time wasn’t lost. We wandered and had a morning we normally wouldn’t have time for. Everyone was patient, sharing storm stories like we witnessed something big together and then there was this incredible sunny day like the whole thing never happened. I started work later than I planned, skipped my workout and broke from my routine, but there was this gorgeous silver lining to the whole morning. 

Travel solo- This one gave me a panic attack for weeks leading up to my trip to Paris, maybe because it’s been so long since I’ve done it. I landed in Paris at 7am and fell back in love with my own company, sauntering down the cobblestone like the street was a museum and I’d get shamed for my usual New Yorker stride. I ate my weight in croissants, bathed in butter and sugar, and wandered poetically with my camera around my neck. I took a group of two thousand on a virtual tour through my eyes, shared the more intimate, romantic parts with my most beloved and kept some things just for me. 

Dig deep- Dig down for the motivation and energy to do the things you think you don’t want to do or pretend you don’t have time for. Make plans you’ll think about all week long. If it’s hard, focus on the high of the after-feeling. Steady your hands from the things that make them shake. Stay open to what you might get when you stray from routine and do any one thing differently. 

Most of this list is pretty doable. At our core, we’re creatures of habit and it’s easier to stick to what we know when it comes to our decision making. I’m still learning to not obsess over the most simple of things, like my takeout order, or the things that have no wrong answer, like where to take my solo trips. If functioning alcoholism was more socially acceptable, I’d wino it up and play lightning rounds with myself for all choices, big and small. Ultimately, you’re never wrong for the things you want.  May you spend less time weighing odds and outcomes and trust your head and your heart to make better choices.