A few days ago, I was only feeling grateful-ish, like I was in this unshakeable, selfish funk. I call it selfish because I made it out of this year mostly unscathed, if not better off than I was when 2020 started. I hate writing this next sentence because it’s the cliche theme of this year’s Thanksgiving and the milestones we’ve reached, but it should be said- It’s hard to be grateful this year and if you’re having a hard time reciting more than a hand-turkey’s worth list of things you’re grateful for, that’s okay. There’s a mourning that comes with how nuts this year has been. I find myself mourning cancelled plans, traditions, hugs and hand-holding, and the annual pre-Thanksgiving college reunions at the hometown bars.

I have friends still raging on party busses to the Catskills and My God do I miss going hard in the paint and taking my inner woo-girl for a spin but those friends are likely why we can’t have nice things (or see our families right now).

I made my mental list yesterday to talk myself down from the grateful-ish pit I was holding in my stomach. That list included the usual - my health, my home, family, friends. And don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for all of those things. But I needed today to not be Thanksgiving. I needed today to just be a necessary day off from work to drink and binge eat and rest in the company of my chosen family and that’s what I got. It was perfect. 

It’s almost 11pm on Thanksgiving as I dig deep to write this list- my real gratitude list. This list is my prayer to myself and I’m putting it here in case I ever lose accountability or need proof of these truths, especially on the days I only feel grateful-ish. 

I’m grateful for this giant, in-between moment that is 2020. If I go back to the list of intentions and goals I made at the beginning of this year, I accomplished a lot more than I planned to. I had no idea what this website would become or if I would sack up and start publicly lighting up ex boyfriends with the utmost compassion, vulnerability and comedic relief. I got the dog I thought I needed a partner to help me with and found a family of incredible people I want to be exactly like when I grow up. 

I’m grateful for my resilient heart. Ooh, girl, she took a beating this year, pun intended. If you’re not sure whether or not you’re ready for partnership and commitment, try it in a pandemic- slash- civil rights movement, and with no open container laws! The raw emotions that came with this year’s political-mush either made people want to pull the covers over their heads solo or with a cuddle buddy. Hot dates involved grabbing a to-go margarita and hitting up a protest. As someone who had a handful of almosts this year, I can’t fault anyone for not knowing how to navigate love or something like it during a time when it was hardest to speak to needs and wants. My heart started hearing a little voice that says, “this one’s close, but not quite. Walk it off, we’re getting closer.” The almosts didn’t harden me, if anything, they opened my heart even more. 

I’m grateful for presence.  I’m not a pro at this one yet but the inability to plan for anything taught me resist my urge to control everything, or try to. Sure, there was still some lamenting on the past or obsessing over the future, but for the most part, I’ve taught myself to love where I am. I'm here, exactly where I should be and I know very well that I can handle anything. This one is probably my greatest challenge - to be okay with not knowing what happens next, and that’s also the exciting part. 

I’m grateful for pizza. Yes, pizza, as I wolf down a post-Thansgiving grandma-slice. It’s my comfort, it’s what I order when I celebrate, when I need to cry, when I just need to get through the week and not worry about cooking for the next few dinners. It’s helped me win the war against the body shame I feel over the five pounds I’m always playing wack-a-mole with. I’m grateful for the people who enable this addiction of mine, even the “almost” that taught me pizza is an appetizer (he’s not wrong). I made a dating profile recently, it’s not shocking that the whole online dating experience is WOOF, to say the least, but I almost swiped right on a guy who listed pizza as his love language- I felt that. 

I’m grateful for who I am, right now.  I’ve given myself this speech before but I’m already a different me than I was the last time I hyped myself up. I’m proud of this version of me, I’m just as proud of the versions that came before her. I’m proud of the hard work and the punches I had to throw when I didn’t know my own strength. I’m already proud of the next me that I’ll evolve into but for now, I’m happy to be who I am, where I am. I want to enjoy this version for a while, she just got here and she’s helping me exhale, reminding me to go slow and enjoy this process, maybe stop for a coffee, or a slice of pizza. 

My grateful-ish comes from my fear of the unknown so I did an exercise this week: When you’re buried in the middle of your unknowns, remember what is true. Make a physical list if you have to and go back to it when you need a reminder. Then get hyped about your unknowns. It’s hard to be afraid when you do the math of the good you already have plus all you have to gain.

As for only feeling grateful-ish, I have to drop the “ish” after making this list. Today was spent giving and that brought me back to thankfulness. If you can’t feel it, give it- with gratitude, love, hope, compassion. For better or worse, I give these things to others more easily than I give them to myself but it comes back full circle. 

I hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you feel grateful, it’s okay if your grateful still has an “ish on the end.