I’m sitting on my roof writing this (with wine), taking a moment to myself while Leo is passed out after a park trip, during which he got his own poop on Oscar Isaac. Oof. Real parents can fight me but there are many parallels between puppy motherhood and real parenthood- mama needed a damn glass of wine away from the kid.

I have these moments of pause where I take inventory of the good parts of what life feels like right now - I have my Leo and I have the apartment I’ve made into a home. I’m so grateful for my circle, I could cry happy tears and bake every person I love a loaf of my quarantine banana bread.

I have a coach I work with each week. I absolutely adore her- I genuinely look forward to our conversations and can’t wait to hug her one day when this global pandemic is finally over. I went looking for a career coach and found a dear friend who I pay to lovingly kick my ass when I recite my excuses for not doing the things I want to do.

I have an assignment from my wonderful coach to think about what I want life to feel like and look like- an intro to manifestation, if you will. I’m supposed to write it all out and keep it somewhere safe to refer back to, or set it on fire and let the Universe take over- journaling vs. starting a fire discreetly in Brooklyn.

I made my list:

I want to be bi-coastal

I want wide open spaces for Leo to run free across 

I want the beach in all seasons and I want New York in all seasons

I want a photo study that faces the water

I want to walk outside barefoot every morning (maybe not in New York City)

I want tall windows on both coasts with views that make me feel a ball of gratitude in my throat

I want long communal tables surrounded by noise, everything pizza scented, and bottomless bottles of expensive California wine

I want to feel proud of my brand and my name

I want my words and my pictures to be important to people I’ve never met

I want my words and pictures to make the people closest to me to feel my love through my work

I want partnership

I want my chosen family close by

Most of these pieces, I have now or I know how to create. It’s a 500 piece puzzle and I’ve got most of the sky done - all those little blue pieces that look the same and take the longest to figure out- I got that part. The rest is just finding the end-pieces and matching a few details here and there but the annoying (and necessary) part is done and holy hell, was it hard. I have a lot to be proud of with every one of those little blue pieces- it took failure, patience and compassion to figure out which ones really go together, along with some creative problem solving.

I have a mantra I repeat to myself when I fixate on what I want - “this, or something better.” I feel myself discovering the parts of myself I’m too used to tucking away. Now, more than ever, I know exactly what I want. I want all of this and a little bit better. Under a big blue and orange sky.

Photos by Karen Obrist